What I Am Feeling Right Now

Um, hmmm. How to even start this. The last 3 days have been up and down, tears and laughter. When I drove into town on Saturday, I drove straight to my friend Jon's house, where several of my besties were watching a World Cup game. When I walked in, everyone cheered and made me feel very welcome. I felt something I haven't felt in about 4 years... Shy. It's true. Caroline Martin shy. I could say stranger things have happened, but I am not so sure about that...

After I spent some time there, I drove to my house. The second I stepped into the house, I had a little breakdown. After crying it out, I quickly gave myself a job to stay on task: unpack. When in doubt, organize. The rest of Saturday was full of laughter and then I crashed.

Sunday morning, I woke up after only 5 hours of sleep with a major headache, but was determined to go to church and see that family. As I was getting ready for church, it all hit me and I started crying. I pretty much cried on and off until after church when I had lunch with the Miloms. It's hard to cry with those cuties all around me.

I didn't have a lot of time to process the reason for my tears: as I got ready for church, on my drive there, during certain triggering songs at church, during communion, when they announced that I was back from Africa, when I was wonderfully bombarded with friends after church.

Once I got on my own, went grocery shopping, and got home to relax, I slowly started peeling the layers back.

Was it guilt? Not in the true sense of the word. I was brought up with my parents reminding me that all of our blessings were given to us for a reason, and though I often fail, I make a conscious effort to be aware of that and to do what I can.

Was it loneliness? No. I feel really supported by my friends and family, and though they didn't go on this particular experience with me, most have been in similar situations and I know that they get it.

Was it anger? I think the whole "life is not fair" is definitely hitting me, but more with frustration than anger.

Was it overwhelming helplessness? Now we are getting somewhere. I realized that the center of all my thoughts was this: My work as a Speech-Language Patholgist does not go in vain here. I work with people every day who get better and eat again, talk again, talk for the first time, etc. That is not in vain. But deep down, I know that if I were not here, another SLP would be. In Africa, babies are dying because they do not have the routine services that EVERYONE has a right to here. It's not fair, it's injustice, it's life. And it sucks. But it is the way it is.

I feel joy as well. Joy that Choolwe and Hamilton are beginning to thrive, the two babies who we met with the pretense that they may not make it. The humble joy that I was blessed with this experience, one where I have never felt more in the place of where God needed me. The joy I felt with Choolwe, for that unique connection that we had. Joy that at the end of the day, no matter where we are, Christ died on the cross for justice and mercy and to give a hope for everlasting peace and joy. I will choose to focus on that hope.