Self Doubt

Every single one of us walks around with self insecurities, and yet we think the other person has it all together. I was reminded of this when I found out that the other SLP on our trip, Marja, felt like I had so much more experience than her and doubted her skills. But I was feeling the same about her. I am SO THANKFUL that silence did not win that battle, and that God put it on our hearts to share with each other. We realized how much of our energy was being used distracted on feelings of insecurity, and how Satan loves to act on that. We remembered that God handpicked us and not only has he brought us here to help these babies, but he has been preparing us for years to do this. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who lives in me and gives me any wisdom that I have… he will lead us in therapy to help these children to the best of our abilities.

A few evenings ago, God revealed this scripture to me. At first I didn’t really understand what he was trying to tell me, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

“My people, what have I done to you? How have I burdened you? Answer me. I brought you up out of Egypt and redeemed you from the land of slavery. I sent Moses to lead you, also Aaron and Miriam. My people, remember what Balak king of Moab plotted and what Balaam son of Beor answered. Remember your journey from Shittim to Gilgal, that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord. With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6

So my mind was saying, “Okay. What does this have to do with me? Who was Balak the king? Are you trying to remind me that my bible knowledge is a little rusty? And where the squat is Shittim or Gilgal? Is it in Africa? Is there some kind of hidden code here? Am I going to get lost in the woods or something, because I am really not up for that right now.” Luckily, the Spirit quieted my ridiculous thought process and discerned to me what God was communicating.

“Caroline, what have I done to make you doubt me? How have I abandoned you? Name one example. I brought you out of self pride and delivered you from the slavery of black and white thinking. I lead you to Nashville and surrounded you with friends, family, and coworkers to support you and teach you specific things. Remember your journey from your struggle with OCD to ending a very unhealthy relationship to walking through a major eating disorder? Now, do you remember how I was mighty to save and that I never let go of you? And now you are trying to figure out how to “make it up to me” and how to “please me.” You run circles around me, and try to achieve perfection thinking only then will I be proud of you. But deep down, you know this is in vein. Be still, be the true you I made you to be. I didn’t make a mistake, I promise. Show how loving and faithful I am, share your gifts, shower mercy on others as I have showered mercy on you, and stay humble no matter with what I bless you. I love you. I am proud of you. Nothing you can do can change this. It’s not about you trying to earn my love. You have it. Be still and receive it.”